Stories of hope
Every one of them thought they were the exception.
Shared anonymously, with permission. Names and identifying details are left out on purpose. If you recognize your own marriage in one of these, that is the point.
Couples do not usually arrive at a Retrouvaille weekend hopeful. They arrive exhausted, or skeptical, or because a spouse asked and it seemed easier to go than to argue about going. That is the honest starting point for most of what follows.
I went because she asked me to, and I planned to sit in the back and wait for it to be over. By Saturday afternoon I was writing things I had never told anybody, including her. We drove home talking. We had not done that in four years.
Husband, Mesa
We were living in two houses and our attorneys were already talking to each other. I went so that I could tell myself, and eventually tell our kids, that I had tried everything.
That was three years ago. We are in the same house now, and the marriage we have is better than the one I was trying to get out of.
Wife, Gilbert
Nobody made us stand up and confess anything. That was my worst fear walking in. They talked about their own marriages, and then they left us alone to talk about ours. That is the whole thing, and it changed everything.
Husband, Chandler
After the affair I did not think there was anything left to save. I want to be careful here: I did not forgive him on that weekend, and nobody told me I should.
What I got was a way to say the truth out loud without it turning into a war. Forgiveness came about a year later, and it came because of that.
Wife, Phoenix
We are not Catholic. I braced for a sales pitch that never came. They were respectful of where we stood the entire weekend, and the tools they gave us have nothing to do with what church you attend.
Couple, Queen Creek
Twenty six years and we had become very polite strangers who split the bills. No fighting. That was almost the worst part, because there was nothing to point at and say, that is the problem.
The weekend gave us something to point at. We are still doing the daily dialogue.
Husband, Scottsdale
I had already seen a lawyer. I had the folder in my car when we drove up on Friday. I still have it, in a drawer, as a reminder of how close we came.
Wife, Tempe
The post weekend sessions are the part nobody talks about enough. The weekend cracked something open. The three months after it are what actually rebuilt anything.
If someone tells you to just do the weekend and skip the rest, do not listen to them.
Couple, Ahwatukee
My husband is a very private man. He would not go to counseling and he would not talk to our priest. What sold him was that he would not have to say a word to anybody but me.
Wife, Chandler
Two things I did not expect. One, everybody in the room looked like a normal couple, which told me a lot about who else is quietly falling apart. Two, the presenting couples were not polished. They cried in front of us. That is what made me believe them.
Husband, Phoenix
I spent the first night deciding it was not going to work for us because our situation was worse than everybody else's. Then a couple got up on Saturday and described our exact situation, out loud, in front of everyone. I stopped feeling like a freak.
Wife, Mesa
We were the couple who came to make it official. The plan was to go, have it not work, and then separate knowing we had done the last thing on the list.
That was six years ago. We present on weekends now. The couples who show up looking like we looked are the reason we keep doing it.
Couple, Gilbert
A word about these
We do not print the ones that did not work out.
Honesty matters more here than marketing, so say the obvious thing: not every couple who attends a Retrouvaille weekend stays married. Some marriages end anyway. Some couples come too late, or come and never do the follow up, or come with something in the way that a weekend was never going to move.
What the five year follow up survey found is that 78 percent of participating couples were still married. Given who walks into that room on a Friday night, that number is worth your attention.
Nobody on this team will promise you an outcome. What we will tell you is that the couples above were as certain as you are that it would not work.
Your turn
The next story could be a boring one about your Tuesday.
Most couples who make it do not end up with a dramatic story. They end up with an ordinary marriage that works, which is what they wanted in the first place.
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